I did nothing today…. I think this might be the single hardest thing for me to do. I have one of those built-in responsibility meters that just ticks constantly, adding tedious, and completely thought out tasks to my already maxed out list. Do you have one of those lists? My mind goes something like this…
7am – Did you sleep in? Why are you still in bed. Ok I’m up. Take your vitamins.
7:05 am – Better let the dogs out. Need coffee. Wonder what the animals are doing. Need to get the fences finished. Probably should clean out the camper. Maybe get all the stuff put in boxes to store. Need to find the rug cleaner and get that ready. Will have to wash the carpets in the camper. Did ‘D’ remember where he put his paperwork? Oh need to call accountant about taxes! Wonder how Sarah is feeling? Maybe I should weed my flowerbeds….sigh. Ok later maybe. Dishes need to be done and omg this floor….the barn needs to be cleaned…ok chore time
8am – maybe one more coffee. Well that’s not getting anything done. Ok let’s do chores. Need to get this new fence finished and maybe move the babies.
…and so it goes on and on. The list continues to grow and there I am amidst the chaos of my life. I know this day of leisure is likely not the end of the world but in the mind of someone who suffers with anxiety and compulsiveness it can be a HUGE blow to my self-worth. Silly I know haha. But let me show you what happens, and what is happening right now inside my mind.
- First there is regret. I should have, could have, would have gotten this done or maybe I finally might have completed project x! Not really….but I will wonder.
- Then guilt….my time is important. I had readings that I promised to people, that I hadn’t had time to do. Well now I’ve wasted time I could’ve spent getting that caught up. Maybe I could’ve gone to see my family. I don’t see them often enough and knowing I squandered a WHOLE DAY really makes me feel bad 😦
- Once I move past guilt I wallow in self-doubt for a while. It’s not like anyone really needed my help anyway. I might be good at something but there will always be someone better and more able to get done what I should’ve.
- And finally I move into complacency…I call this Eeyore syndrome. Oh well….didn’t really feel like doing anything anyway.
I look at my friends and family who genuinely relish in a good day off and I sit in awe of their trips and photos, the memories they made and the laughter I hear in their voice while they tell the stories. So often I hear the words
“Live the life you deserve” and “take time for yourself”
and I chuckle inside at the ludicrousness of that in my world. On the rare occasion I do actually go away on vacation or even a weekend away at a horse show, I basically spend the whole time worrying about the things I left behind, the things that I need to look after and get done, and the lack of trust for mankind to watch over my world in my absence. Pretty hard to really let your hair down when you are wondering if your world is falling apart! I remember once preparing to go to the lake to go camping, and I was fretting over whether it was wise to play hookie from life for a few days, or maybe I should cancel….I ran into a friend during a trip to the store and was discussing my anxiety over whether I should go or not and this is what he said
“Heather you can go home and cut the grass and in a few days you will have to cut it again…or you can go to the lake and guess what…your grass will be there when you get home”
Needless to say I took his advice and had a wonderful weekend at the lake with my children. Did I worry? You bet I did! But it was worth it.
So while I sit now and ponder the tasks I neglected today, I think back to that day years ago and the advice I received. It was a good day. Happy Sunday everyone!