I use to camp quite a bit when my kids were small. We would always go for at least a week-long trip every summer and then multiple times, throughout the summer, we would spend weekends up at the lake. I remember those times with great fondness, the relaxing mornings, sipping hot campfire coffee, and watching squirrels and birds all around me. I think of long hours, lying around, relaxing and enjoying the sounds of summer. It has been literally YEARS since I went camping! I have gone to horse shows and slept in the living quarters of the horse trailer, but it isn’t really the same. As I shop and fill the cupboards with everything from dishes to soap, chips, snacks, pop, and all the in between, I am consumed with the idea of leaving my safe place…..
Since becoming aware of my ability to communicate with spirit, I have had very little time to acclimate to the idea of not being home….where my things are….where its safe. Silly right?!?! I’m finding myself planning how many crystals I should take, whether I need all my journals or just a few, where will I place them all….and the list goes on. I ground daily, sometimes many times a day, when I’m feeling anxious or upset. I generally like to spend some time in the bath with epsom salts, cleansing away the negative energy and allowing myself to quiet my thoughts. So I’m packing epsom salts….there is no bath tub and I chuckle…..I have a dish pan…. “I’ll soak my feet” I tell myself. It’s the same right? Looking at the diet I had intended and thinking of the way I should be eating, and the sirens are wailing! That’s too much junk Heather! You better get some fruit and veges packed. You can’t live on this stuff. So while my head is trying to process the idea of camping and being ‘one with nature’ I am struggling with the crazy notion that I am going to be panicking without my computer, my cell phone. Who am I? I can’t even believe that these are the things that are causing me to feel so much uneasiness!
I have always been a little more aware, a little more organized, and while I look over the list of what I need, I find myself wondering about ‘what if’. For those who don’t know, a very clear warning sign for anyone with a panic/anxiety disorder is the train of thought that includes ‘what if’.
What if ~
- I forget my cell phone charger
- It rains and I don’t have enough warm clothes
- I run out of dog food
- I forget my sandals
- we crash and no one is here to feed my animals
- there is an emergency and we have no phones
- we don’t have dry firewood
- something happens to my cat while I’m gone
- something happens to the horses!
- Jackson runs out of water before we get home
- we never….get….home
and the list grows and grows until it sets me into a full-blown panic attack. I look over the list and as a smart, educated person, I realize that it will be fine, and likely none of these things are going to be part of my reality. But ‘what if’…. So now I sit and look back over my list and make sure I have all the bases covered. There are no surprises for me, as I can’t handle them. I need to know what I am doing, when I am doing it and who I am doing it with. Camping….I laugh at the thought of worrying about all these things and then realizing I am not going to get any more grounded than this. I mean really getting your feet in the sand and listening to nature the way it is created to be….that’s what camping is about and exactly the break I need.
Wish me luck? Love and Light