There are a million ways to express what you are feeling. Today sums up something like this for me…
All in one day, from one mind, expressed or implied to self or another. It’s sometimes overwhelming to be me and no matter what I say to myself, which is a dialogue best left unwritten, it seems to vary slightly but not a lot. I lead a very solitary existence and while I am encouraged to go out and interact with friends and family, I still find myself here…alone…and wondering why.
Today I decided that I needed to have a personal, physical conversation with people. That means not on the phone or through some text message or email. A real, in person, conversation that was about the world, life, love, things….it doesn’t even matter honestly as long as it was personal. So I set myself up to do just that. I did my daily routine and when I knew I would finally have a chance to shower and get ready to go I watched a visitor drive up the driveway and my balloon literally popped…I was so sad that my chance to go and be with friends and family was gone. I had company. After idle chit-chat and coffee they headed off and I sat here thinking “well I don’t want to go anywhere now…its too late” but I needed to grab some things from the store so I made the trek to town to get what I needed. I was consumed with conversations with myself about my missed opportunity and the nudging of spirits trying to seek attention. The entire evening I spent wallowing in my own loneliness and wondering again what tomorrow would bring. And then it occurred to me…. I was so busy being ‘butt hurt’ about not being able to have a human exchange that I missed the true fact before me. The couple that came and spent an hour talking and having coffee with me…WERE HUMAN! Well would you look at that! I did it and didn’t even know.
Sometimes we have to take what we have and be grateful for those moments. It isn’t always what we had planned but it doesn’t make it any less precious. As I sit here tonight writing this I am reminded that life is all about those unexpected memories, no matter how small, that keep it real.