It's Personal, Medium Thoughts

These are not my shoes!

I have opened up my blog a hundred times I swear, and then sat and looked at the blank page….wondering why I, the girl with so much to say, had nothing…

There have been a lot of little things in my life that have been picking at my soul, just to watch it bleed. I have felt like the world has stopped turning and is just sitting there looking at me like “what are you gonna do about it?” My answer has always been to go within, to sit alone, to contemplate and to eventually write. For as long as I can remember I have shared my deepest feelings and darkest thoughts with paper…I’m not a big friend collector. I like having a lot of friends but true friends are not that easy for me. I have a few, carefully selected over time, that are privileged to know the inner workings of this head of mine. Some of them get it and others just nod and agree and let me feel heard while they secretly plot my future commitment to an asylum. Lately I have spent so much time trying to be a friend that I have neglected to need one. I know that sounds silly but as with all things, there is a balance that needs to be maintained in order to live harmoniously with the universe. So while I have put all my heart and energy into helping someone else, who is helping me? Certainly wasn’t me. I have put aside my ‘stuff’ in order to be of service to someone else. At the time it seemed completely ok to do this. What are friends for, if not to help in a time of need?!?! Right?!

Now you have read this from your point of view, allow me to translate that into an extra-sensory, empathy version so you can better understand the symptoms associated with this behavior…

People who are hurting or emotionally upset for whatever reason tend to emit a very low and negative vibration, rightfully so, they hurt. I FEEL IT!…I feel the anguish and heartbreak, the upset stomach and butterflies, the head aches and nausea, the exhaustion from lack of sleep and the depression from feeling lost and alone. I feel it, like it was my own. And eventually, without proper care of myself, it is MY OWN! From all the past blog posts I spoke of the universe giving us what we give energy to and here I am, wallowing in someone else’s pain….what do you think the universe said?

She likes it! Give her more!~ The Universe

My family felt I had taken on too much, trying to help a friend, but in all honesty it isn’t really about taking on more than I can handle. It is more about not handling my own needs also. I gave so much that at the end of the day I had nothing left for myself…and we all know I didn’t reach out for help….#178 life lesson for Heather (save that post for another day)

So now I sit here enjoying the smell of musty old books aka my claire at work signifying ‘old thoughts or way of thinking’ and I’m scratching my eyes and feeling like Im going to sneeze. I have always had mold and mildew issues so I began trying to figure out where I was that could have brought this on. This is the 3rd time this week that I have had these symptoms and it hits me! It’s not what I touched or moved in the basement. It’s spirit telling me I am falling into my old ways, my old behaviors of neglecting myself and my needs. I had stopped writing, stopped paying attention to my eating and sleep. Slowly if left long enough the depression I am petting gently on the head will turn around and swallow me.

ruby_slippers_by_toul_chan
Photo credit ~ Toul-Chan

Time to click those heels Dorthy and get outta Oz, cause these are not my feelings anymore than those are my shoes. While I remind myself that there’s no place like home and try to get back to a place of love and light I realize this is not the most compelling post I will ever write…it is however, the first attempt to dig back out and get intentional with myself and the universe. I cannot help others if I can’t help myself first..and my friend? She is going to be magnificent one day.

Ps…spirit kindly thanked me for recognizing the sign by removing the symptom…immediately. Yep got it right ❤

Thanks for listening

Heather xo

 

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